CONVERSATIONS, HESITATIONS IN MY MIND

Very unnecessary outfit deets but I'm gonna do it anyway...bahahaha!

Jeans - Lucky Jeans (can't get it here, only from the U.S.A)
Cardi - Cotton On
Floral Tee - from New Look
Walkies - Converse
Bag - Gucci
Shades - Charles & Keith

Joe Fox: Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's box of all the secret, hateful parts - your arrogance, your spite, your condescension - has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and moving on, you zing them. "Hello, it's Mr Nasty." I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about. 

Kathleen Kelly: No, I know what you mean, and I'm completely jealous! What happens to me when I'm provoked is that I get tongue-tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend all night tossing and turning trying to figure out what I should have said. What should I have said, for example, to a bottom dweller who recently belittled my existence? 

Kathleen Kelly: Nothing. Even now, days later, I can't figure it out. 

Joe Fox: Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass all my zingers to you? And then I would never behave badly and you could behave badly all the time, and we'd both be happy. But then, on the other hand, I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows.

- Dialogue from the movie, You've Got Mail

So I decided to start this post with a dialogue adapted from my all-time favourite romantic comedy, You've Got Mail. This movie was way back in bloody 1998 and I still watch it on my DVD player almost monthly! Crazy bitch. Hahahaha! But I love it! I love everything about the movie - from the storyline, to the witty dialogue, to the setting of the movie, to Meg Ryan's oh-so-innocent character that I hate her for it. I have always wished to own a nice lil' bookstore like the one in the movie - with teak wood furnishings filled with tonnes and tonnes of children's books. Ahhh...the dream!

And for those of you who had listened to music from the 90's - the period when we had icky boy bands and girl bands messing up our minds with their lame music and shoving their lyrics of hopeless love up our nostrils so you breathed boy and girl band. Ok...I admit, I listened to some of them and just last night, while doing my crunches, I had All Saints' - Never Ever plugged into my ears. Hence, the title of this post. 

Put two and two together, the title and the dialogue of this post, if you have not managed to guess what my post is about by now then...WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST TWO MINUTES IDIOT??!!!

You know sometimes, people can really be a pain-in-the-ass to you. Let's call these people Asshole for now. Right? And they start stalking shit about you, coin' shit to you and you wished you had said or done something to give it back to them, right at their faces. But I often get myself stuck in a situation where my tongue is tied and my left brain tells me to play it cool...and like Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side chanted 'Sticks and stones...sticks and stones'. And then when the entire situation is over, I lie in bed at night, tossing and turning, playing the entire episode in my head again but this time, ok...I'm gonna go Ally Mcbeal on this - I'd be screaming back shit at my attacker, grabbing Asshole by the neck and shoving all kinds of vulgarities and shovin' your-mama-is-so-fat insults down his or her throat. Yeh...'conversations' in my mind bro. That's what I'm talking' about. Give it right back to Asshole...in my mind. Ohhhh...the satisfaction. Then, I go to bed...wake up the next morning...get on with life...and quite possibly replay how I would zing Asshole again in my mind for the neXt few nights. Then that's it, nobody gets hurt.

Owl Tee - Cotton On
Jeans - Lucky Jeans
Kaki Outer Shirt - H&M
Shades - Charles & Keith
Walkies - Rubi

But I have had moments when I allowed my tongue to lash out and my temper to get the better of me. And then I say or do things I regret almost immediately. I chide myself for that! I am sure others don't feel bad after they do shit to people...then why do I have to feel so bad??? WHY??? Why can't I just zing it and then feel awesome about it after that? WHY??!!! 

Song playing in my head now...

'Flexin' vocabulary runs right through me, the alphabets run right from A to Z. Conversations hesitations in my mind, you got my conscience askin' questions that I can't find. I'm not crazy. I'm sure I ain't nothin' wrong. No. I'm just waiting. 'Cos I'm sure that this feeling won't last that long.' - All Saints, Never Ever

M.U.M.M.Y.J.A.S

I could make a list of people who fall in the Asshole-category in my life. It would be a very long list. And don't be surprise if you should spot your name in it! Hahahahaha! Oh man, you must so hate me right now yeh? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok, chill CHILL! Just recently, I have had one of these dam assholes writin' crap about me...WRITING! She wrote! Yeh...it's a SHE...beware...BITCH MODE ON! When I found out, my mind immediately went into &*^%$#@ mode and so picture me...yes...ME...lashing all kinds of vulgarities at her and on top of that, I directed how I would make my black-belt karate moves on her...sadly...IN MY MIND. Yup...in my mind again because left brain had decided that thou shalt not confront Asshole but take a step back, breathe and let it go. And for your information, I hate the song Let It Go. Each time a kid belts it and I happen to be within earshot, I feel like squashing the irritating munchkin into a pancake. 

Ok...back to my story. Are you still with me?

Sad to say, I smiled when my friend read out what was written about me for all to see. I accepted it graciously, on the surface that is. I'm not gonna repeat what was really going on in my head. Yeh, so I am beginning to think that my left brain overpowers my right brain a lot. It's constantly holding me back and telling me to think before I act. And so I guess Assholes are generally powered by their right brains and I DO envy them. I have always been told that I should be patient  that I will be duly rewarded for my patience. Yes yes...that is all fine and dandy. But I also want to say that being patient and doing the right thing is the ideal. And the ideal? It's not always easy to achieve. We're only human...the stupidest and weakest and most complicated species on the planet. We are PATHETIC. Now picture a monkey laughing at you in your face at this time. It is not always easy to DO THE RIGHT THING!!!! So flip the page and it'll scream right at you that the ones who always manage to achieve the IDEAL are the ones who have achieved 'sainthood'. How many of such people are there? Yeh, countable. 

So, I got a message for you people on my A-list...if there is such a thingas The Purge here, you better run baby. 'Cos I ain't gonna play it all in my mind no more. I'm comin' for you and I'll be sure to tick you off my list once I am done with you. 

HAVE A GOOD ONE Y'ALL and please...keep it real k!

I WANNA QUIT MY 'FULL-TIME' JOB

Admit it. You decided to read this post because its title dug right through your curiosity-vein and you couldn't help it. You never used to read my blogposts because they weren't interesting enough for you. But this time, it's screaming' in your head, 'SHE'S GONNA QUIT HER JOB!' and you wanna know if I am for real this time.

GOTCHAAAAA!!!

Don't be embarrassed. Tell yourself, you are ONLY human.

First, let me start by sharing with you what my FULL-TIME job is. I work 24 hours round the clock. No I don't work at Mustafa Shopping Centre. I don't work at 7 Eleven either. Lame. I know. But hey...you're still reading my post! Ah hah! Gotcha again!

Ok...back to the real thing.  I am a Mum of a 4-year old, a wife to an awesome other half, a daughter to two pretty challenging old folks and an elder sister to a sister who is still swinging' single and enjoying life. Oh...yes...I almost forgot. I work too. So...now...YOU tell me...do I work 24 hours round the clock? Hell yeah! And sometimes, I don't remember to catch my breath because 24 hours take everything out of me.

M . U . M . M . Y . J . A . S

There never is a moment's rest. If I do appear to sit and do nothing, my brain's doing all the work. I will be thinking about what to cook for the family for the weekend; how am I going to carry out the next assignment given to me at work; the serious conversation I need to have with my son after I get up; bills; money; car; house; my canon printer that has already conked out on me and when can I get it repaired so that I can continue with my scrapbooking again and the list goes ON AND ON AND ON!!! It never ends, my body never rests.

I go to work and where there is a lot of effort put in for well-being of staff, let's be honest now - where there are communities of individuals infested with their own responsibilities and targets to meet, what well-being is there? It's a dog-eat-dog world out there bro! The strong conquers the weak; evil manipulates; the ambitious look down on the non-ambitious; I say we are friends but when it comes to work, you are in your turf and I am in mine. RIGHT? Oh come on, you know I am right. They always try to coat the maggot-infested cake with sugar icing but at the end of the day, you go home with the maggots in your mouth.

Ok, at this point, some of you wanna click on the 'close window' icon because you totally disagree with me. BUT you decide to hide the window instead because you wanna come back and finish reading what you started. You wanna know what I have to say. Again, don't reproach yourself. Chant to yourself ' i-am-only-human-i-am-only-human-i-am-only-human'. I am sneering right now at you. Kekekekekeke!

I do.

I wanna quit. I wanna quit my 24-hour job. I wanna sit and do nothing. No. I don't even wanna sit. I wanna do NOTHING. I don't even wanna do anything for myself. I JUST WANNA DO NOTHING.

Sad to say, this thought never lasts and therefore will never manifest unless I die.

Oh.

That's not true. I'd be a fool to think that I will get to do nothing after I die. But, I shall not dwell into that right now. Maybe later.

For now, I can't quit. Because then the 'Albert' in my brain will reign over 'Rex' and sense and sensibility will start to kick in and then I will shake it off and resume my 24-hour job. You must be wondering who the hell is Albert and Rex. Google Andrew Fuller and you'll find out. But really, you don't have to know who they are. That's not important.

I can't quit because I know that at the end of the day, I have a purpose in what I do.
I have a family.

And if ever someone says to me in my face 'SO JUST QUIT AND BE DONE WITH IT!' I am gonna scream right back at 'yer 'I CAN'T BECAUSE MY FAMILY NEEDS ME!'

But the truth is...I need them.  I feed on their love and their comfort they provide. I feed on their laughter, their irritating habits, their nonsense, their unconditional love, their endless presence, their sacrifices. Yes. I feed on them. I hate it sometimes but I love it most times.

I work in a maggot-infested world. But when I come home, I leave the maggots out the door and I bask in family-love and comfort. I know that for everything I do for my family, it's worth my every breath and my every drop of energy. I know that while my body never stops screaming for rest, my soul is strong spirited for the people I love and for the people who love me.

I will.

I will quit.

I WILL quit my job one day - which is really only part of my 'full-time' job. Maybe I will quit tomorrow. Maybe next week or next month. Who knows? When I do, you'll be the first I'll tell and I'll never disappoint you again like I have disappointed you now. Heheh.

But I will never quit being a mum, a wife, a daughter, a sister and for as long as I get to live... a servant of God. Where I begin to stray and forget, I pray I come back to my senses and remember that God has given me a purpose to my life and I have to work it.

That's all there is to this post.

Have a good life!

And ... Peace Be Upon You

Cardi from Cotton On
Sleevless collared shirt with cat-prints from H&M
Jeans from Gap
Bag from Marc Jacobs

PHOTO CREDIT TO: MOKHSIN MOEHTAR 

EMAIL: moksi77@hotmail.com