Are you a single mum? Or do you have friends who are single mums?
I am not a single mum but I do have friends who are single mums.
But before I write my piece, FIRST things first - let's give a huge round of applause to all our single mums out there!!!
Are you clapping?
You better make sure you are clapping in front of your screen right now. Yeah, I'm forcing' it down your throat whether you like it or not. Hahaha! But really, hear me out yah.
So today I was scrolling through a dead man's FB account. Yes, you read correctly - a DEAD MAN's FB account. So it is practically a dead account. His wife still posts about missing him and pictures of her and her children getting on with life without him but half the time wishing he was still around.
And...my mind just wandered.
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| Long checkered top from Cotton On John Lennon shades from Rubi |
But children aside, I strongly feel that the most important thing about having a spouse is for a lifetime of companionship.
Companionship; using each other as sounding boards; best buds; partners in crime. Being with someone and tied to that special someone through marriage is a bond I believe that shouldn't be broken. It must be wonderful to have someone who understands your emotions and deal with them the way you want them to. It must be awesome to have someone love you for who you are and who is always there for you in times of need. Happiness is HAPPINESS when you can share it with someone you know will appreciate it as you do. Sadness is SADNESS when you can come home from a bad day at work and bury your face in your spouse's chest and cry your heart out and know that you are not going to be chided for ruining his or her shirt. Being a parent is BEING A PARENT when you have had a tough day with the kids and you know that after lights off, you got that spouse to lay in bed with and snore the night away.
What about LOVE? Nah. Love never lasts. Not between two people who have been together for years. Come on. I don't buy this 'I jump you jump' Titanic crap. The spark of love disappears almost immediately after marriage. It becomes Companionship. It is Companionship that holds partners together. That special bond. That love-hate relationship - all those times when you get mad and frustrated with each other but yet cannot do with each other. It's magical. I stand my ground. No love here. It's companionship. It's the knowing that wherever you go, you got that someone at home, waiting for you in bed and the one you wanna go home to to snuggle in bed with in your no-longer sexy outfit that you had put on to dress to impress in the early days of your relationship. Nah, it doesn't anymore. Taking Love to Companionship is taking the high road. It's going to a whole new level, it's knowing that you have that OTHER HALF you cannot do without. And when companionship is lost, the relationship has hit the rocks and crashed and is washed away by the waves.
What about CHILDREN? Come on. Children come later. Ok...for some...maybe their children came First (if you know what I mean). But still...we're all only human. Nobody is an island. I used to think that I can live alone. But it's bullshit really. We're not made to live in solidarity. We are made to socialise and to depend on others while being independent ourselves...k...if that made any sense at all. Having children is just another chapter in the book of Companionship. And to share that love for your children with your spouse is much less a weight on your shoulders than when you have to do it alone. Ok, I make having to love one's children sound like a burden here but no - to sound negative is not my intention here.
Think about it...taking your child or children with your spouse versus spending time with your children alone; go for your children's Parent-Teacher-Meeting together with your spouse or go alone; take your children for a stroll in the park with your spouse or go alone, talk about your children's day at school with your spouse OR do it alone, you do the dishes while your spouse does homework with your children versus you doing EVERYTHING ON YOU OWN. Really, stop kidding yourself that you have it all in your hands and you can do EVERYTHING! Disagree with me if you must. I STAND MY GROUND.
You had a tough day with your children and you lay in bed at the end of the day and you have all those emotions stuck in you and you are alone and you call up your best friend forever but she's busy with HER spouse (so much for being a bff) and where does that leave you? No companion. No support pillar. Your children are asleep. They're there. In their room. But you are alone. And you wake up and you know you are going to go through EVERYTHING again - the whole routine all by yourself. You tell yourself you are strong. You can do it. You are ok in the day but you cry at night and wet your pillow with your tears because at night your body and your mind cave in because during the cosiest time of the day, you have to spend it alone. You have no companion. You're LONELY. Then you tell yourself, you wish you had someone to love you...no...it's ok...he or she doesn't have to love you...just stay with you...and hold you close and tell you that everything is going to be OK.
Today, I am writing for the ones who have lost their companions. Today, I am writing for the ones who have little ones to care for under their strong and protective wings. Today, I am writing for the ones who find it in themselves to do EVERYTHING ON THEIR OWN and the irony of it all is that they are silent screamers who are really screaming for help in their hearts despite summoning every bit of strength to cultivate this superhuman ability to live on, to strive on for the sake of their children. Today, I am writing for the ones who are the weaker of the human species...who claim they are ok...but deep down...they really need somebody to love them...somebody to hold them and promise a lifetime of companionship. TODAY, I am writing for all the single mums out there.
Dear single mums, it's been hard on you, crying yourselves to sleep. It's been hard on you, holding jobs and being mums to your children at the same time. It's been hard on you, losing your companions to Death, to divorce, to meaningless and hopeless relationships. It's been hard on you, being lonely and yet you hold yourselves back in search of new happiness, new companionship. You just don't have the guts to do it or you have placed your job as a mum first above everything else. And you just have to prove it to yourselves that you can do it all on your own, when the true fact is, you can't. BUT you do it anyway and miraculously with gusto. It's been hard on you, when you come home from work and your bosses have been shitty to you but you still have to cook dinner, you still have to coach your children in their homework, you still have to do the laundry after they all go to bed, you still have to smile for your children and at the end of the day you vent your tiredness and your frustrations on your pillows and you lay in bed without someone to hug you to sooth your tired muscles and bones. It's been hard on you, when you have given your children so much love and you have so much more love to share but you have nobody to share it with. It's been hard on you when you look at your wedding pictures and all you have left are memories that are hanging right above your head like a baby's mobile toy and they torture you as they rotate in your mind over and over again. It's been hard on you for being so lonely and worse still, for pretending that you're not. AND, if I may add, it's been hard on all the single 'mums' who are really dads too. Yes, this is for you too.
All I want to say to you wonderful beings are, take THE step. Take the step to search for happiness for yourselves. Everyone deserves a lil' bit of love and everyone needs a companion. Don't feel guilty. Don't think you are doing any less for your children if you finally found that special someone. Stop kidding yourselves to death that you are superhuman and you can do it all on your own. If happiness doesn't come to you, you are not doing anything wrong going out in search of it. You have a right to be happy, to be loved, and to love. You have suffered enough. You don't have to suffer anymore. You can look at pictures and photographs and lament over memories faded, over love lost, over companionship long gone. You can. But you can take it a notch higher my dears. You can reach out to make a change for your lives. And let me let you in on a little secret - nobody is going to change your lives for you unless you want to, unless you do it yourselves.
At the same time, I want to affirm you that you ARE super humans and you CAN do everything on your own. You're mums and you're dads to your children at the same time. You have in fact proven what I stand my ground for, WRONG. You put a construction worker who has worked a lifetime in the hot sun to shame because you are doing so much more on your own. To be honest, I am a nobody to pay tribute to you single mums out there. My words don't carry any weight. I am just a human being, sitting in front of my screen and typing what resides deep within me. But I hope you remember that you are human too and that you don't have to be strong all the time; you DON'T have to have it together all the time. It is ok to be lonely but it is NOT ok to dwell in loneliness and unhappiness for the rest of your lives. And on days when you think that you have failed, take my word for it, your children will think otherwise.
This post is not much my dear single mums. But I hope it is enough to make your day.
'The first ingredient for happiness is to avoid too much lengthy meditation on the past.' - Andre Maurois
Yours truly.
